I think I picked the wrong month to commit back to writing a post every week.
Even now I’m sitting here thinking of all the things I have to do that have even more important and stricter deadlines than this but because I made a deal with myself, yeah well, that’s as binding as any contract. Because ‘myself’ will see to it that I regret breaking that promise. And if you’ve been reading this blog long enough you would have gotten used to me talking to… ‘me’ as if they’re a second person by now. So, don’t feel all weird. Travesaou hasn’t lost her marbles (really I still have them all from since primary school 😀 ), this is normal behaviour.
I believe I’m going through a post new adult pre-midlife crisis. And it makes sense that my description doesn’t sound like it makes sense because THIS doesn’t make sense. -_- You think I don’t know that?
The thing is that I want to do everything that I always wanted to do and I am tired of waiting to do it. Now I know I can’t do everything at once but if I can, I’m going for it. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be waiting on anymore. I honestly asked myself one day, ‘what are you waiting for?’ and I had no answer. No argument in my head, or outside of it, makes sense anymore and frankly I’ve heard all the “why you cannots” before too many times. So many times that I started coming up with solutions to them.
So every time I’ve found myself in a daze with ten different things pulling me in 20 different directions (Yes, it’s actually possible! !) I take a moment and reflect. I remind myself that as tired as I am and as much as I yearn for the pleasure of sleep or simply doing nothing, I cannot get comfortable doing nothing. I’ve learned that about myself. And I calmly place my 10 things in order of importance and press on.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love to daydream. It’s pleasurable, and I’ve gotten very good at drowning out the world while staring at the ceiling or out into the sky. It’s one of my favourite activities but other than lazy pleasure it has a purpose.
Between dreaming and day-dreaming I’ve come up with some of my best and most inspired ideas and had thought provoking conversations with myself that has helped ‘us’ (myself and I) understand each other a lot better.
But you know what happens when I daydream too much? I dream of all the things I could be doing and then I start wondering, “why don’t you get up and do some of this stuff?” I suppose I finally reached that point where I was tired of just dreaming alone. So, here I am working at it.
I never had much opportunities to do all I wanted to do as a child. Life was a struggle for my parents to make ends meet and there wasn’t room for much else. Anything I wanted I had to work for and I did start working at 16 to pay for my first dance lessons. But I had always been a dreamer. The one who came up with the great ideas but lacked the power of ‘do’.
Back then it wasn’t completely my fault. I barely had the means but I always wished for the day when I could make those dreams come true. The problem is that somewhere along the line I lost sight of the fact that I had reached that point where I could start making my dreams a reality for myself. I missed the transition faze completely (which happened about a year ago) and just kept on dreaming, still believing that that’s all I could do. My falling star almost passed me by.
But because I talk to myself a lot and try to be honest with her I realised it wasn’t my fault back then as a child that I couldn’t reach my dreams but I know if I don’t act it will be my fault this time around.
Now I am a believer in karma and everything happening for a reason and all that jazz and certain incidents in the past year have made me realise that now actually is the best time while maybe last year wasn’t. But I’m always learning and growing and willing to go with the flow so I won’t be surprised if I’m thrown helter-skelter in another direction. I’m up for it.
But for now I’m not going to waste anymore time because I’m tired or because I want to take a break. I’ve had breaks, and I’ll have them again in time. Now’s the time to stick with it and do what I have to do.
So, I’m here a day or two late but posting every week like I said I would.
I’m launching my business this year (yes, I know it’s the end of the year but it still counts) like I said I would since last year.
I’m finishing the final draft of my first novel series with NaNoWriMo like I said I would which means writing 1700 words a day during NaNo and at least 1000 outside of November until it’s finished.
I’m putting together the first piece of my work as a conceptual artist before years end as well and continuing putting together all the other ones I’ve been dreaming up every quarter after that just LIKE I SAID I WOULD.
And next year in addition to continuing these four I’ll be adding another new secret project which I’m setting up now but won’t be working on full time until next year and won’t be revealing until well after that. All this while still working full time. If I had children to add to that mix I would surely die from exhaustion. I would be posting this from a hospital bed, if the hospitals here had internet anyway.
And you know when it rains it pours because now I’M SICK! All the long nights working on designs and cold days in an air-conditioned office are getting to me! Of course it doesn’t help that it’s also the rainy season so everywhere just WET and coooold! So, it’s the sniffles and the sneezing and the runny nose in between all of this and I just, want, to bang my head against the wall and pass out. Wouldn’t that be easier?
*scrambles to refocus as I unconsciously inch closer towards wall*
So what ‘resolutions’ or plans and dreams have you been putting off? Who cares if it isn’t New Years or Old Year’s Night or whatever. You have now. Put it on your list to get done at a reasonable time of course and commit to getting it done at that time. You don’t need a special occasion to do that, right now. And as always please don’t forget that critics may lie so decide for yourself what you want to do and believe.
– Written by Travesaou
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