I rarely ever browse through my WordPress reader, which is why I don’t really follow peoples blogs because I know I’m never going to have the time to read their stuff anyway. It’s always in, post and out for me here. But after a 4:30am wake up call followed by a long and tiring Glorious Saturday, I decided to purposefully put everything I have to do down and rest a bit.
And resting for me, the rare instance I get to, normally means sleeping, daydreaming, watching from the long list of movies I’ve missed within the last four years (or more) or reading, not in that order.
So I decided to browse past the initial ‘RocketNews24’ posts which always seems to be at the top of my WordPress Reader list for some reason (Lindt in Japan is making a white chocolate, green tea iced drink by the way 😀 ) and I wound up reading the ‘Thought Catalog’s, um, catalogue. I am sorry but that US spelling was killing me!
I read a few good articles and particularly liked this one by Mike Zacchio called ‘I’m Sorry, But We Can’t ‘Just Be Friends’. I agree with him and appreciate his honesty but the article made me remember something that I’ve been meaning to talk about for a long time now.
A topic or rather a term that is probably the worst invented in this the early 21st century.
The ‘Friend Zone’.
You know that frown teachers give students when they aren’t paying attention and they ask them a question and the teacher knows they would have known the answer if they had been paying attention? I give that frown to everyone who claims they’ve been friend-zoned, simply because it says more about your attitude than it does about the person who supposedly friend-zoned you.
If they were asking for words to be banned, it would be the first to go for me. I am tired of the memes.
I’m really tired of the justifications. A blogger actually suggested that you should ‘bang’ a woman as quickly as possible even if you have to break up with her afterward because at least you won’t risk being stuck in the friend zone forever because the longer a woman’s with you before you have sex the more likely she is to back out of a relationship before you can have sex.
Look, here’s the thing.
I know learning to be an adult is hard, it’s not always straight forward and many of us spend decades really adjusting to the in’s and out’s of it. Outside of the obvious physical changes and increased social responsibility there are real mental and emotional complexities that you just don’t deal with as a child.
But here’s what makes the friend zone utterly ridiculous and more on you than the person you claim friend-zoned you.
You are an adult. You get to decide who you are friends with, and who you are not friends with. This isn’t mummy and daddy taking you to your cousins birthday party even though they’re rude and disgusting and you don’t want to go. This isn’t having to go to a school you didn’t choose in a neighbourhood you didn’t choose and interacting with bullies and people you don’t relate to because you’re a child and have more or less no control over your life.
When you’re an adult, you have the freedom to choose your own friends. You don’t have to be friends with people if you don’t want to. Nobody can PUT you in a friend ‘zone’ unless you LET them. Cause you’re an adult now. Got that? Right. Moving on.
I have yet to meet a mind reader. If you like someone and DO NOT tell them, how the hell are they supposed to know? Because you made them a mix tape? Cause you brought them flowers? Cause you are really nice and the two of you have friendship bracelets?
Granted, statements like these can send serious mixed signals.
However, at the end of the day adults don’t make excuses and hold people accountable for their assumptions. You like somebody tell them. You don’t have the courage to say how you feel then that’s your problem but stop assuming that the person you were interested in should have guessed or should have picked up on your subtlety because it doesn’t work like that.
So let’s say you do like somebody, you’re honest with your feelings and they honestly tell you, ‘I’m sorry. I do not feel the same way about you’ and then they proceed to ask, I assume like in the ‘Thought’ article, to still be friends with you. Why would you remain friends with them if that is the last thing you want to do?
This is a serious question. I just don’t understand the emotional logic behind it. Even if you’ve been friends with someone since childhood and it isn’t a, ‘you’re okay but I just met you last month’ kind of friendship. This might be a good friend who you want to keep.
Even then, I still think it is perfectly okay to get some distance between you and the other person to come to grips with the fact that the hope that you had (who knows how long you were holding onto it) that the two of you could’ve been together isn’t going to work out , because they don’t want the same thing as you.
Now the author said in the article that he might sound petty, but what is so petty about that? Wanting to properly get over someone after having strong feelings for them? I suppose the reason why people think it’s petty is because if you and the person were friends before then a ‘true’ friend would still always be there for you through thick and thin no matter what.
Did I just render my point null and void with too good of an argument? No, wait, I didn’t. Queen of turning it around here….
Ah-ha! Because you know what, then if the person telling you they don’t feel the same way was also a good friend to YOU they would understand that you need to take some time for your emotions to heal and that time may involve staying away from them. Boom! Nobody’s saying you can’t be friends ever again, just not right now. They should be cool with that because, you know what we’re friends and we understand each other.
Which brings me to my last point.
I have never been friend-zoned, but I have had the opportunity to ‘friend-zone’ and didn’t even think about doing that. I think it is perfectly alright if after you have poured out your heart to me and I have smashed it into the ground and danced on it like I’m crushing grapes for wine season, for you to not want to be around me anymore. I have no problem with that.
Because my expectation is that those feelings are not just going to go away because… well… feelings like that just DON’T go away. And for you to be around somebody, day after day, knowing full well they don’t want you, and have to be constantly tortured by the ‘why’ behind that, no, no, no!
I, DO NOT want to put anybody through that least of all a friend. I have had people in my life who have insisted on staying friends after I danced on their heart and they were simply, not kind afterward.
They were bitter and resentful and constantly taking offence and I was constantly in this apologetic state because I knew why they were upset. We became anything but friends. It was emotionally exhausting and I either drew away from them because ‘I told you we shouldn’t have stayed friends’ or in the case where I felt like the person could take my honesty I gave them my honest opinion.
You wanted to be friends, so be a friend. Don’t say you want to then be an ass. That doesn’t work. If you need some time then take it, until we can be friends again without this hurt in your heart and all this bitterness between us.
Of course the other side is the person who says they want to “just be friends” or pretends to like someone only so that they can play off the person’s feelings for them to get what they want from them, when they have absolutely no intention of actually having a full out relationship with them. Ever. That is actually what I thought friend-zoning was!
But that’s just the devil’s work. A real friend would never have you around simply to use you for their own gain. You need to cut ties with those blood suckers immediately.
Now, I know it exists, but I have never met someone who has said, ‘oh, I friend-zoned this person last month.’ I have met many people who have said, ‘this ‘person’ have me in a friend-zone.’ So, it’s my impression that the people who are ‘friend-zoned’ many times put themselves there because of two things.
They never were a friend to begin with and are waiting for an opening to get into said ‘friend-zoners’ pants, because you know, that’s what they wanted in the first place.
Or, they just don’t want to be an adult and deal with their own feelings and be honest with themselves and their friend about what they really want in the relationship with them. Blaming somebody else and claiming they friend-zoned you is childish.
You have control over what you want with your life. It is okay to walk away and regain your composure. Some people just need some time to bounce back. If you stick around as a friend, even though that is the last thing you want, then you put yourself there.
And if the person thinks you’re not being a true friend because you put a pause on their friendship as soon as they rejected you well they don’t understand how emotions work. Love is as complex as it gets, because it is so damn simple! You either feel it or you don’t. A real friend will wait for you because they will understand that you are hurt.
I suggest you at least say why you want to ‘just be friends’. Even if the reason isn’t good enough for them, this person just came out of their comfort zone just to get dismissed by you. You don’t owe them a reason, but be kind.
It’s also fine if a person dismisses you. You got to know them as friends first, decided they were your type and presented your intentions. It’s called socialising. But not everyone is into everyone in that way. They may be your type but you’re not theirs. That’s just the way it goes sometimes.
So stop blaming people for friend-zoning you and put on your big boy and big girl pants…
…and be adults and say what you want and not settle for something that you don’t want if you don’t get it. It’s okay to see to your emotions, it’s part of your overall health. Otherwise you may end up just being bitchy to each other and destroy whatever friendship the two of you had left with all those bad emotions. Don’t do that.
And totally unrelated, I am a hopeless case. When I am supposed to be resting I am writing and when I am supposed to be writing I am reading articles and when I am supposed to be working I am resting. *beats up on the floor*
I just, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Remember, critics may lie, so decide for yourself. Oh, and Happy Easter. 😀
– Written by Travesaou
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