I am not sure what this blog post is going to be about. I am just writing. So, I’ll start with this tree.
I am sitting here watching the reflection of a most interesting looking tree from across the road outside my window, reflected through my computer screen and I am thinking more about that tree than what I am supposed to be doing.
I took pictures in all angles of it, even from behind my back but it still looks nothing like the reflection in front of me. Why is it that I have never been able to capture with a camera the way my eyes see something?
One may say it’s because I haven’t been trained as a photographer, that I don’t have the knowledge or the skill but I am not sure that that’s it either. On one side it’s everything, from the angle to the lighting to the depth of field and all that fancy camera settings stuff and then on the other hand it’s nothing.
The camera cannot see what I see because what I see is in my mind. Is trying to capture an image of how the tree looks to my mind even possible for it? I am trying to catch a glimpse of something mysterious and magical, something that only exists in that reflection and disappears as soon as I turn around and look at the tree. My camera is not even coming close.
I find myself like this sometimes, searching, trying to grasp onto something that isn’t really there, that’s only in my mind. I understand that it is, but who am I kidding. I have always been like that.
I am a daydreamer. You know that feeling where what is going on in your head is much more real and important than what is going on outside of it? You don’t? Okay.
Not to say that I am not active and hardworking. Being a daydreamer doesn’t mean that I care to sit around all day trying to dream the do into my life. I am very busy, very determined but I am always there in the clouds somewhere, in a world apart from the one I am in. It means that I come off sometimes as being cold and aloof to people but honestly most people I meet aren’t serious enough about life to be taken seriously anyway.
Those who are get my attention, bring me down from the clouds for a spell to enjoy the seriousness of life with them but then I’m gone again. But there are times when I feel compelled, no, driven to ‘write or die’ and that’s when I know I need to come to terms with reality and come down from the sky on my own to sort things out.
I have to face the fact that there are certain relationships in my life that I just need to stop fighting with and step away from because things won’t change, while there are others I thought were stable and are not and I have to decide whether to leave it as it is or to keep fighting to keep it together. Even the fact that I am okay with either one of those options is a revelation, a sign my mindset has changed.
I also have to face the fact that maybe I might not get everything I wanted, next month, next year or ever. It’s not that I am not willing to work for it or can’t create the opportunity. But every goal I have takes a piece of me with it when I strive towards it and I have to admit that I am not okay with that sometimes. I hate when something takes over my life but even more, I just need all of me. But keeping all of me means keeping a goal close to my heart instead of letting it out into the world, and that isn’t always okay with me either.
And most importantly I am facing the fact that what is reflected in my mind will only go as far as my daydreaming and writing can take it, and that I might always feel this disconnected and out of place.
One thing I know for sure is that life is going to change for me very soon. I can feel it. Something’s coming. I don’t know how or what yet. Okay, well maybe I have a few ideas but I’ve been having those ideas and feelings and suspicions for years now. It could be anything.
The difference between now and then is but a blink of an eye in time. In that blink of an eye I have grown. I do feel different than I did then. Things aren’t as urgent for me as they once were and in that sense, knowing the irony of life, when you put something down is when you will suddenly have a reason to pick it back up again. Ah well, I’ll see.
The empty house today seems like such a big contrast to yesterday which was full of family, and food and noise and laughter. But now it’s quiet. I am looking at a reflection of a tree in my computer screen, whose once ordinary branches shake and drip in the breeze with laughter as well. I am looking down from the clouds at it and all seems well with the world, all but me.
– Written by Travesaou
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